Every week, another story breaks. A respected educator dismissed for a moment of poor judgment. A personal overshare. A late-night text. Lack of attentive supervision. An inappropriate joke. A conversation that drifted into territory better left to a child’s caregiver or clinician. The public’s reaction is often disbelief: How could such a good educator make such a bad decision?
The truth is rarely bad intentions.
Educators receive rigorous training on curriculum, assessments, mandatory reporting, and other safety measures. But they get little to no training on the everyday boundary decisions that shape healthy, professional, trust-building relationships with other people’s children.
In this biweekly column, principals and other authorities on school leadership—including researchers, education professors, district administrators, and assistant principals—offer timely and timeless advice for their peers.
The focus is often on legal boundaries and discussed from a place of fear-based restraint, leaving little time for trust-based discussions of professional, social, or emotional boundaries. That gap leaves even the most dedicated educators vulnerable to making choices that could compromise students’ experiences at school and the educator’s career.
It’s time we name the real problem: a lack of boundary clarity in a boundary-critical profession.
In education, we have long celebrated the “hero” narrative—the teacher who gives up lunch every day, the coach who becomes a surrogate parent, the adviser who responds to messages at all hours. We praise these behaviors as evidence of deep, selfless care.
But “above and beyond” often lives in the same neighborhood as boundary blur.
A personal disclosure intended to build connection. A “just this once” exception for a struggling student. An “I know the school rules are X, but in my classroom, I believe it’s best we do Y.” A blind defense of a student without all the facts.
These acts may be rooted in compassion, but they can easily cross a boundary and undermine trust with families, disrupt systems designed for safety, or create expectations no single adult can sustain. Educators are deeply influential, yes, but they are not replacements for a child’s primary caregivers. It is critical that school leaders help educators adhere to the limits of their roles.
To ensure students have the right kind of relationships with educators that best promote their academic growth and positive youth development, educators first need to understand the appropriate boundaries. The “too loose, too rigid, just right” scale gives a starting point for assessing our behaviors both as educators and in our general lives:
- A person with boundaries that are too loose trusts everyone, speaks freely and intimately when they first meet students, does not recognize poor boundary setting in others, acts in opposition to their personal values for the purpose of pleasing others, compromises their own wellness to support the wellness of others, inserts themselves into the problems of others, accepts abuse or disrespect, prioritizes likability over authentic connection, and derives self-worth from others’ opinions.
- A person with too rigid boundaries trusts no one, avoids close relationships, does not ask for help, is protective of personal information, offers no bids for connection, seems distant or detached, avoids vulnerability for fear of rejection, interacts in transactional ways with students, and lives in black-and-white thinking patterns.
- A person whose boundaries are just right allows trust with others to develop over time through a layered approach, values their own opinions, keeps their focus on growth and development, notices when someone else lacks healthy boundaries, clearly communicates wants and needs, accepts when others say no, shares appropriate personal information based on trust built in a relationship, and derives a sense of self-worth from within.
To make sure educators can set a just-right boundary before a misstep occurs, school leaders should proactively offer them strategies to guide—not restrict—their care for students. These tools help educators stay grounded, aligned, and confident in their decisionmaking and efforts. You can help educators in your school by sharing these strategies:
1. Use the shoulder/viral test.
Act in every interaction as if your supervisor were on one shoulder, a child’s caregiver on the other, and bystanders were filming from every angle. If a 20-second clip of the moment went viral, would it accurately and positively reflect your intent, tone, professionalism, and the child’s best interest? This test isn’t meant to scare—it’s meant to elevate your practice. Consistency, clarity, and awareness of your power protect children and your career.
2. Stay in your zone of expertise.
Young people deserve support from the right adults with the right training. When we take on roles we aren’t equipped or right for—be it as a therapist, social worker, parent, or friend—we risk creating dependency, burnout, confusion, or even harm. Clear job descriptions and self-awareness matter. Offer care, connection, and coaching within your role and refer to a colleague or other resource when a youth’s needs extend beyond your professional expertise.
3. Uphold the rules.
Youth thrive when the adults around them provide consistency, predictability, and alignment with organizational policies. When individuals “do it their own way,” they undermine trust, create inequity, and destabilize a system designed to promote safety. “Do what you say and say what you do” applies to both organizations and individuals. If you disagree with a policy, raise it in the right forum—not in front of students.
Parents and guardians deserve educators in their children’s lives they can trust. Students deserve—and need—educators who build the right kind of relationships with them. Educators deserve training that protects them. School leaders, don’t wait until after a mistake to support your teachers. Guide them before one ever happens.
