Opinion Blog

Ask a Psychologist

Helping Students Thrive Now

Angela Duckworth and other behavioral-science experts offer advice to teachers based on scientific research. To submit questions, use this form or #helpstudentsthrive. Read more from this blog.

Student Well-Being Opinion

Ouch! Why Teens Criticize Adults

Adolescents can be our toughest judges
By Lisa Damour — March 01, 2023 1 min read
Why are teenagers so tough on adults?
  • Save to favorites
  • Print

Why are teenagers so tough on adults?

Adolescents often speak to authority figures in a way that younger kids don’t. I wrote something for parents about the topic for Character Lab as a Tip of the Week, but it can be useful to keep in mind in schools as well:

“Pack your bags! We’re going on a guilt trip!” one of my teenage daughters said to the other.

I’d just made a passive-aggressive comment about the dirty dishes they’d left in the sink, so maybe I deserved that remark. But it still stung. And if my kids have such an easy time giving pointed feedback at home, might they also be unkind when they’re out and about?

All parents probably worry about raising kids who allow themselves to be jerks to others. But here’s something I know about development: Adolescence is a time of heightened friction at home, in part because teenagers become acutely perceptive of their parents’ shortcomings and are often quick to point them out. They do this because they are coming to terms with the fact that we, the only parents they have, are far from perfect. They hope for us to improve, especially before they move out, so they tend to save their toughest feedback for us.

So how should you react when your teen hits you with zingers? Your teen knows you well—often better than you know yourself—and their observations are usually spot on. But they also know when they’ve crossed a line and they expect to be called on it. It’s important to remind kids that all people—parents included—are more likely to make good use of their input when it’s delivered with compassion.

Don’t be defensive when teens criticize you. That either closes down communication or escalates friction, sometimes into a full-blown conflict—two outcomes that serve no one well.

Do push back if their feedback is more hostile than helpful. Consider saying, “I’m sure you have a point, but we don’t speak to each other that way around here. I’m interested in what’s on your mind, but you need to let me know in a kinder way.” I’m in constant awe of how quickly my daughters are growing and changing. And thanks to their keen commentary on my not-so-endearing quirks, I’m growing and changing, too.

Related Tags:

The opinions expressed in Ask a Psychologist: Helping Students Thrive Now are strictly those of the author(s) and do not reflect the opinions or endorsement of Editorial Projects in Education, or any of its publications.

Events

This content is provided by our sponsor. It is not written by and does not necessarily reflect the views of Education Week's editorial staff.
Sponsor
Professional Development Webinar
Disrupting PD Day in Schools with Continuous Professional Learning Experiences
Hear how this NC School District achieved district-wide change by shifting from traditional PD days to year-long professional learning cycles
Content provided by BetterLesson
Jobs Virtual Career Fair for Teachers and K-12 Staff
Find teaching jobs and other jobs in K-12 education at the EdWeek Top School Jobs virtual career fair.
This content is provided by our sponsor. It is not written by and does not necessarily reflect the views of Education Week's editorial staff.
Sponsor
Teaching Webinar
Teacher Perspectives: What is the Future of Virtual Education?
Hear from practicing educators on how virtual and hybrid options offer more flexibility and best practices for administrative support.
Content provided by Class

EdWeek Top School Jobs

Teacher Jobs
Search over ten thousand teaching jobs nationwide — elementary, middle, high school and more.
View Jobs
Principal Jobs
Find hundreds of jobs for principals, assistant principals, and other school leadership roles.
View Jobs
Administrator Jobs
Over a thousand district-level jobs: superintendents, directors, more.
View Jobs
Support Staff Jobs
Search thousands of jobs, from paraprofessionals to counselors and more.
View Jobs

Read Next

Student Well-Being Lunchables Are Coming to School Cafeteria Menus. We Unwrap the Reasons Why
A retooled version of the product has gotten the OK to be served on school lunch lines.
4 min read
Students eat lunch in the cafeteria at Tonalea K-8 school in Scottsdale, Ariz., Dec. 12, 2022.
Students eat lunch in the cafeteria at Tonalea K-8 school in Scottsdale, Ariz., Dec. 12, 2022.
Alberto Mariani/AP
Student Well-Being Opinion Schools Must Combine Exercise and Learning in the Classroom
It’s important for students to add movement into their daily school routine, says this letter to the editor.
1 min read
Education Week opinion letters submissions
Gwen Keraval for Education Week
Student Well-Being Opinion Better Sleep and Breathing Habits May Improve Mental Health
A parent and yoga instructor explains the importance of good breathing and sleep in this letter to the editor.
1 min read
Education Week opinion letters submissions
Gwen Keraval for Education Week
Student Well-Being Opinion The Idea of Social-Emotional Learning Makes Sense. But Its Execution Doesn't
SEL is a mixed bag with plenty to criticize. Rick Hess and Jal Mehta discuss their feelings about it.
7 min read
Image shows a multi-tailed arrow hitting the bullseye of a target.
DigitalVision Vectors/Getty