It’s 4:30 p.m., and the phone of a former superintendent rings. He answers it and greets his son, a middle school principal. He’s on his way home to have dinner with his young family before returning to school for evening commitments. These calls are not uncommon. It’s not just a father/son moment, it’s a healthy downloading of the day’s events and a chance for the building leader to reset and regulate in order to spend time with his wife and children.

With all the added responsibilities and the volatile shifts in society, the stress of a building leader continues to grow. In the actual scenario above, the leader was fortunate to have an outlet for sharing the stress of the day. On this particular day, it was district training to deal with U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement. Bottom line: What should he do if ICE were to show up at the front door of his middle school?

The conversation between father and son quickly became less about the training and more about another example of a stressor the son must carry as a building leader so his school can stay calm and centered on student learning.

School leaders have always found it difficult to balance management and instructional leadership. Often, they treat those two demands of the job as separate issues, but many times, they are deeply interconnected, and that in itself can be stressful.

Add to that the increasing number of drills leaders have had to practice over the years. The two of us, both former principals (and Michael was a superintendent for 14 years), have had to engage in fire drills, lockdown drills to prepare for an intruder, and numerous other drills depending on the location of the school (e.g., earthquake drills).

It is critical for today’s educational leaders to recognize, acknowledge, and respond to the three big areas below to support their well-being.

Unrecognized Strain Is Strain

In the conversation with his father, the principal quickly dismissed the ICE-response training as another event and said he could move forward. He did not label the training as stress but wondered what to share or not share with staff to keep their focus on the students. Neuroscientist Bruce McEwen reminds us that the very responses that help us manage uncertainty in the short term can quietly become damaging. McEwen’s research showed that these moments of stress can “alter basic neurological functions like mood, decision making, and memory.”

Regulation Supports Effective Leadership

As Marc Brackett reminds us, emotions drive attention and decisionmaking. When leaders are carrying heightened information, their ability to regulate directly affects the emotional climate of the building. Leaders cannot eliminate strain, but they can regulate it. Brackett’s research teaches us that recognizing and labeling emotions reduces their intensity. Equally as important is that a brief meta-moment creates space between the trigger and reaction. Brackett says that shifting our interpretation of events can change how our nervous system responds.

He emphasizes what is referred to as “cognitive reappraisal,” which means reframing the meaning of the situation. For example, using cognitive reappraisal, the principal, instead of seeing the ICE training as an added responsibility, sees himself as a leader who has the necessary information to lead. This reminds us of the “The More You Know” campaign.

Leaders can shift their mindset from viewing the ICE training as an added responsibility and look at it as a way to develop confidence to deal with the situation if it arises at their school. Yes, we know all of the political and human issues that come with the situation, but regulation means trying to find ways to view it through a different lens in order to be prepared.

Leadership Requires Processing, Not Just Performance

The principal in this story did not simply regulate and move on. He processed. He spoke aloud what he was carrying. Leaders who are responsible for holding sensitive information to help protect staff and students cannot remain a steady presence for others without having safe spaces where they do not have to be steady. Effective leadership requires trusted processing, and not just keeping in the tough situations like a badge of honor.

When leaders lack moments to process what they carry, it often shows up as short temper, exhaustion from making too many decisions, or emotional distance from colleagues and loved ones. Processing is not venting. It is actually a way to deepen the meaning for leading. It allows leaders to distinguish important messages from noise, to separate fear from responsibility, and to return to their schools grounded rather than guarded.

Carrying “need-to-know” information is part of leadership. Developing strong coping habits from carrying it is also part of healthy leadership sustainability and longevity. In many cases, this story about ICE procedures included, staff do not need every operational detail to be safe. In fact, knowing too much can shift their focus away from supporting positive outcomes for students. They need steady routines, relational presence, and a leader well-grounded in strategies to support the stress of leading.