At a recent national conference for K-12 school leaders here, multiple workshops on “conflict management” ran at almost full capacity. The principals in attendance were seeking tips and strategies to get through what most called a difficult upcoming school year.
Bethany Morris traveled to the conference from Columbia, Mo., to learn how to calm conflicts with angry parents. As the principal of the 1,500-student Hallsville Intermediate School, Morris has noted that the nature of conflicts, especially with parents, has grown more complicated and emotional in her 25 years as an educator and eight as principal.
“I don’t know why these conflicts have grown,” she said. “Maybe parents are parenting differently now, …maybe it’s short attention spans because of social media. Maybe we’re trying to solve larger societal problems within the confines of the school.”
The conflict multiplies, she added, when parents go to social media about a problem they have before they come to the school.
“When they talk to us, they realize it’s not a big problem [and can be resolved],” she said. “But many parents [who posted] don’t go back to the social media post to delete or change it. They continue to say the school did nothing.”
Principals, increasingly, find themselves in the midst of intractable conflicts—ranging from large-scale political debates about issues such as book bans to local concerns like a student being accused of bad behavior. These conflicts can be an emotional drain on school leaders, especially when teachers, too, bring their individual conflicts to the principal’s desk.
“Principals tend to avoid conflict. But what we must realize as school leaders is that we can’t wait for a time when there’s no conflict. And we can’t judge our success by that metric,” said Jen Schwanke, a former principal who is now the deputy superintendent of the Dublin City school district in Ohio.
Understand what angry parents and disgruntled teachers are really saying
Schwanke was one of the several speakers at the conference, organized by the National Associations of Secondary and Elementary School Principals, who held sessions trying to assuage principals’ concerns about conflicts. One of the first things that principals need to do, Schwanke noted, is understand what’s really being said to them at the start of a conflict.
Teachers often report having low morale—a sign that they’re burning out or are disillusioned with their role. On Education Week’s Teacher Morale Index, the overall morale score stood at -13 on a scale from -100 to +100, indicating that on average, teachers feel more negatively than positively about their jobs.
“When teachers say the whole school has low morale, they’re usually talking about something they find hard. Leaders have to be honest about what they can’t resolve, but they can talk about the specific problem that the teacher is facing,” Schwanke said.
Other coded messages from teachers can sound like: “That’s not how we’ve done this before.” That’s especially worrying for new principals coming in to lead a school, but Schwanke said what teachers really mean to say is, “I’m nervous about doing it this way.”
When it comes to parents, though, getting to the heart of the matter can be trickier. For example, if a parent thinks their child is being bullied, the principal should listen to their concerns instead of responding with technicalities.
“I try and go to the source of the feeling,” said Morris. “What they’re really saying is that they’re worried about their children.”
If principals can make parents feel heard, that’s one step closer to resolving the conflict, she said. Morris said follow-up phone calls also help to show parents their concerns haven’t been forgotten.
Anticipate and analyze the conflict within the school
There are structural conflicts at play within a school system. For instance, two teachers may be on the same pay scale, but have different workloads because of the subjects they teach or the extracurriculars they lead. This can breed resentment, said Schwanke, but it’s also a problem that the principal has little control over.
There are quick ways to mitigate conflict—for instance, separating the two teachers when possible. Principals can also anticipate conflicts between teachers with different personalities or working styles and plan teams accordingly.
When conflicts can’t be avoided, principals should analyze what’s gone wrong, Schwanke said.
Take a conflict between a teacher and a parent, which Schwanke called a “power struggle": “When a parent sends their child to school, they still want to be the one in power. Teachers may feel they have the power [in school]. That leads to a lack of trust,” she said.
In such situations, if principals get angry emails from parents, they shouldn’t respond immediately or be defensive. Instead, Schwanke suggested giving the people involved some time to cool off. Another strategy is to orchestrate a conversation between the two parties and oversee an resolution.
Conversation starters and stoppers for principals
There are a few phrases that can help principals ease into a stressful conversation. “Can I get your advice on this?” can open up a conversation about a conflict well.
“Once that first sentence is done, then you’re in. You can’t run away from the conflict then,” Schwanke said.
Equally important are conversation stoppers, which can be applied if the argument is getting too heated.
Morris, from Missouri, said sometimes it’s “hard to hear” when parents or other members of the school community make a personal attack. Morris usually takes a step back and asks for a day or two to reflect on the call or email.
“It’s hard because it’s personal,” she said. “Principals are pleasers and caretakers by nature, and we want to fix the problem. Sometimes we do that at the expense of ourselves. We have to model, … especially for younger principals and teachers, … that it’s not OK to be cursed at. It’s OK to say, ‘You can’t speak to me this way.’”
