Today’s post is a special one—an excerpt from my latest book, co-authored with Katie Hull Sypnieski, The Better Teacher’s Toolbox: Practical Ideas For Any Teacher To Become A Better One.

The importance of educators developing positive relationships with their students is about as settled as any education idea can be.

A list of ways teachers can go about doing just that can be endless: saying students’ names correctly, using humor, showing genuine interest in their lives, teaching engaging lessons, etc.

But what are the biggest challenges to building these positive relationships and what can be done about those challenges?

Here are five challenges:

1. Maintaining relationship-building as a priority

In the midst of all the other things that vie for our attention, it’s hard to make sure we actually connect to each of our students. One of the tools we used at the beginning of our teaching careers was a clipboard with the seating chart on which we’d put a checkmark next to the name of each student we did something with to strengthen our relationship.

2. Handling students who want to connect with you on social media

Some districts have strict prohibitions against doing so, and we generally tell students we’ll be happy to connect with them there after they graduate. Larry makes exceptions for his newcomer English learner students, who have tended to like to communicate on Facebook—always for school-related questions. We are both pretty liberal with giving our personal cellphone numbers to students and their families (though that practice is not necessarily one we would recommend for everybody) and, of course, it’s easy to share messages on Google Classroom or Remind (or other similar apps). The main rule we have, however, is all personal communication through these avenues are either school-related or related to the student’s well-being (if a student has been in an accident, lost a loved one, etc.).

3. Knowing what to do when none of your attempts at building a positive relationship with a student is successful.

Then what? We think a good framework of how to handle this can be found in a Harvard Business Review podcast titled “How to Repair a Broken Relationship at Work.” We’ve generally used these strategies before we read the article, but here are some things to keep in mind that relate to the classroom:

• First, think about what you like about the student or, at least, focus on what you want from the relationship. Remember the adage—the student isn’t bad, they are just having a bad day or a series of them.
  
• Focus on empathy to ask yourself some questions about why the student is not responding positively to your efforts: What do I not know? How could they be seeing things? How could they be seeing me and what I do in a negative way?
  
• Ask them questions, not just the surface-level questions but deeper ones—what gives them joy? Acknowledge things aren’t great and you want to change things. Focus on what you have in common—whether it’s their passing the class or liking basketball.
  
• Give things to the student without overtly asking or expecting anything back—in effect, a gesture of goodwill. This can trigger reciprocation, where they feel they are obligated to return the favor or kindness. This could be giving the student extra time to complete an assignment, or if they’re missing a lot of deadlines, tell them you’re giving them a break and not going to count several of the assignments and they don’t have to make them up. Or offer to purchase a book of their choice for them. Larry buys small gifts when he’s traveling internationally to specifically give to students in this situation around holidays or their birthday.

In reflecting on both of our teaching careers, there has only been one student who we’ve had in class for the entire school year with whom we were not able to repair a relationship, and that was a student Larry had very early in his career. But fixing a broken relationship is not a linear experience—there are always many ups and downs along the way, and it takes a lot of energy.

Another strategy that can work in this situation is called “2 by 10.” Though we haven’t specifically used it, the strategy does make sense to us, and research seems to back it up as a way to turn around a challenging teacher-student relationship.

The strategy is simple in theory, though could be a bit challenging logistically. It’s a matter of the teacher identifying a student with whom they have a challenging relationship and then having a two-minute conversation with them about anything for 10 consecutive days.

It certainly can’t hurt, as long as the conversation is not about the student’s behavior or missing assignments. Using those times for inquiring about how their day went, complimenting them on their clothes or hair, asking what they like to do in their free time, etc., can only help.

Another option is to check with the student’s other teachers to see if there is at least one who does have a good relationship with them. If that’s the case, that teacher could possibly share tips on what has helped them develop a connection.

4. Know when it’s time to bring in more support.

If teachers have solid positive relationships with their students, it’s likely students will share some of their personal struggles. Avoid being a “trauma detective” and know when you need to bring in counseling or administrator support.

5. Accept your colleagues may not be supportive of your efforts.

This challenge is probably not a huge one to you working with your students, but developing a schoolwide emphasis on relationship-building can only help everybody.

A study may point a way for how teachers can handle this issue. Basically, middle school math teachers spent a little more than an hour reading about research highlighting the value of thinking about—and listening to—students’ perspectives and the importance of relationship-building, along with reading short essays by students sharing how individual teachers had made an impact on their lives. Then, teachers were asked to share ideas on how they now develop relationships with students and what they could do in the future.

School suspensions substantially decreased after that professional development.

We can’t see anything negative coming from a professional development session like this, and it certainly would be more valuable than what a lot of us have to deal with when it comes to district-dictated PD.

We’re sure there are more than five major challenges to teachers building positive relationships with all students.

However many there are, it’s an important enough goal to figure out ways to overcome any of them.